COFFEETOWN HS SPORTS

Coffeetown is in the process of starting a varsity lacrosse team. Between the lack of equipment and surplus of rats, it ain’t lookin’ good.

Lacrosse coach and confirmed Canadian Mac Cartier already faced plenty of opposition from Copper County residents to start his Coffeetown career.

(As you may remember, it took a recount to gain the necessary 5-4 majority for Cartier to get his classroom job as a high school English teacher. County ordinances require a vote for non-American-born individuals to teach English, and the Copperhead Courier was never able to independently confirm the validity of the voting results.)

The lather and protests over that controversial ‘Cartier Coup’ died down around last year’s summer vacation.

A year later, Mac Cartier is back in the crosshairs of public perception as he tries to start his foreign sport south of the border.

“I am optimistic about the future of Coffeetown lacrosse,” Cartier told the Courier arrogantly.

“Lacrosse is a team sport, just like football, basketball and baseball,” he continued, with the unmistakable scent of envy in his eyes.

“There’s no reason why we shouldn’t be able to get a team going here and create memories and bonds that last for a lifetime.”

Unfortunately for the poor Canadian, Coffeetown lacrosse seems doomed from the start

Despite Cartier’s ill-placed sense of confidence, sources tell the Courier that the team will be lucky to play a real game.

“Coach Max actually isn’t the problem,” one player said anonymously, out of fear that the quote may be misinterpreted for Canadian sympathy.

“We just don’t have equipment. We’re all wearing old football helmets and pads that coach found in the dumpster after the powderpuff game. There is one actual lacrosse stick in the team shed. A few of us found it at Goodwill. It was in the back of the store next to all of the old vinyls and some lamps. We got a pretty good haul of old Alan Jackson records and several Bill Elliott T-Shirts for around $25. They didn’t charge us for the stick, though.”

Even with that gem of an equipment find (and thrift haul, more impressively), it still required some Coffeetown ingenuity to make it work.

“The stick just had a giant hole on the end when we got it. My girlfriend had to sew some fishing line into it so we could carry the ball around.”

That’s right.

‘The’ ball.

“We just have one of those, too. Which is still more than the number of goals we have. A couple freshmen volunteered to stand a few feet apart and we try to hunk it between ’em. They have to run back and forth to either end of our practice area in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot depending on who has the stick.”

Surprisingly, there are still a dozen boys and girls with interest in playing, which will compete co-ed until there are enough players to split into boys and girls varsity.

But our sources indicate those numbers could plummet if conditions don’t improve.

What, exactly, keeps this rag-tag bunch of dreamers together?

Even a Canuck like Cartier can stumble into some good fortune now and then. He clearly has a special bunch.

“The players are resourceful,” Cartier sneered.

“We have a few track athletes on the team and they showed their teammates how to do a sort of relay with the stick. When one player gets the ball in the mesh, he kind of just runs it to the next player instead of throwing the ball. We lost it in a storm drain, but luckily the goal posts went down there to find it. Totally forgot they were gone for a few minutes. The players were so eager to practice, they started playing with an old can of Grizzly instead.”

What a disaster.

Fortunately, Coffeetown’s lacrosse initiative has some time on its side, if not financial backing or regulation equipment.

Lacrosse, our sources tell us, is a spring sport.

Cartier will have all summer and fall to build some semblance of support for his pipe dream project.

But he needs more than pats on the back and well-wishes. The team will also need some effective rodent eradication

“I’m not going in that equipment shed again,” an anonymous assistant coach told us.

“It used to just be where I’d find kids making out from time to time and I’d chase them off with a broom. But ever since this lacrosse deal, it’s gotten worse. There are some of the biggest rats I’ve ever seen running around and gnawing on the lacrosse ball every time I crack the door open,” the coach said, shaking with fearful rage.

“We need more miracles, more equipment, and less rats for this thing to work. If Cartier asks me if I ‘saw the hockey game last night’ one more time, I’m gonna puke. I will leave, I swear.”

Coach Cartier has requested that all equipment donations be dropped off in the box outside of the team equipment shed.

As of press time, the box was reportedly filled with hockey pucks and old ice skates.

Must’ve been something lost in translation.