COFFEETOWN HS SPORTS

The Father Ryan High School Band just delayed an entire week of swirlies from all the jocks thanks to a cameo in EA Sports’s dynamite video game drop, College Football 25.

EA Sports dropped its sick trailer for the game a few days ago.

You can’t help but hear the tight snares and crisp brass of a marching band as it covers Guns N’ Roses’s ‘Welcome to the Jungle.’

Unless your speakers are on mute, of course. In which case, what are you afraid of?

This video game is the best sports news of the summer, and potentially the decade.

Blast it in a crowd of strangers. Wake up the children.

We’re all about to be in the game.

Well, the Father Ryan High School Irish Band is actually in it

Or in the trailer, at least. And man, they crush.

I just hope they don’t get crushed as bad as they normally might by all those would-be bruisers roaming the halls, looking to keep the high school power structure in order.

You know that the first week of school can be hell on the band. If you’ve ever watched a stereotypical high school film or television show, then you’ve seen it.

Jocks posted up on their lockers filled with books they won’t read. Whispering sweet nothings to the cheerleaders.

Then, bam.

The ‘Band Member Radar’ goes off and the locker door slams shut.

“Hey, nerd! I better not catch you breathing the same air as me or I’ll flush your pimple-faced head in the toilet!”

I don’t think high school students have real books anymore. And they probably do most of their flirting with emojis.

But the point stands:

That dreadful stretch of early school-year days traditionally brings its fair share of hazing for those pupils bold enough to pursue their dreams among the woodwinds or on the glockenspiel.

In this case, I’d like to think that this bunch of oft-maligned marchers earned enough street cred to avoid a few swirlies between the bells.

Imagine the envy of their classmates as the cool kids have to watch this trailer, knowing that Doug on the marimba is part of the most anticipated video game event of their lifetimes.

Maybe I’m projecting too much on this class of high schoolers

Do these kids even realize what their fellow Irish are a part of here?

Or are they totally oblivious to the fact that Sally’s clarinet solo just ushered in the awakening of a College Football fantasy giant?

I’m in my thirties and grew up playing NCAA Football yearly.

I don’t have a video game console, but I’m thinking about ways to save up and sneak one into the house before my wife finds out.

Do I get WiFi in the garage? How will my created Coffeetown Community College Cougars fare this season?

Will report back.

Godspeed, Father Ryan High School marchin’ band.

Just stay in groups of four to eight and don’t look anyone in the eye in the halls, and you’ll be fine until someone catches you eating lunch in the bathroom stalls again.