COFFEETOWN HS SPORTS

Coffeetown High School’s Annual Powderpuff ‘Meat our Goals’ Fundraiser Game Sponsored by Frank’s Fish Farm ended in an unhinged barbecue beatdown.

And a legendary girls’ basketball standout started the whole thing.

Jenny Crunk already has all the attention in the world as a basketball standout.

After a dominant and violent performance on the football field during Coffeetown High School’s Powderpuff ‘Meat our Goals’ Fundraiser Game Sponsored by Frank’s Fish Farm, Crunk has even more eyes looking for her now.

God help the pair that sees her next.

If they don’t look away quickly, they may never open again.

Crunk was an obvious starter for the ‘Junior Copperheads’ at tight end

Tennessee, UConn and South Carolina, among others, offered Crunk basketball scholarships during her all-state sophomore season.

She followed it up as the first ever back-to-back unanimous all-state player in Lady Copperheads history, with an average stat line of 28 points, 16 rebounds and 11 blocks.

Rampant message board rumors suggested Coffeetown football coach Cliff Swansea asked basketball coach Misty Christi for permission to work Crunk out for a roster spot last fall.

Even if Swansea really did make such a request, it’s no surprise Crunk elected to keep her attention on basketball and away from Swansea’s legendary, grueling practices.

Not to say Crunk couldn’t hold her own.

She just didn’t have time between school, basketball training and helping her father Carl manage Crunk’s Junk, a local repo and antiques company.

There’s no need to risk further injury on top of the family business.

Jenny Crunk’s tougher than the multiple black bears she reportedly fought and killed on a recent repo job. Even wears a necklace made from their claws as a reminder.

Yes, the 6’3″, 230-pound Lady Copperheads basketball center is both ‘unstoppable force’ and ‘immovable object.’

Coffeetown senior cheerleader and town darling, Dawn’Tonya Davis learned that the hardest way possible during the powderpuff fundraiser game.

Crunk caught a short pass across the middle and ran right through Davis, who was playing linebacker like her twin standout on the football field, Nacho

It’s worth noting here – for the first time in Coffeetown Powderpuff ‘Meat our Goals’ Fundraiser Game Sponsored by Frank’s Fish Farm history, players wore full uniforms.

Under-inflated BIKE AIR helmets, shoulder pads, hip pads, thigh pads, knee pads, you name it.

Coffeetown’s equipment team reportedly found a full set of gear from ‘some time in the early 90’s’ stashed away in the team’s equipment trailer, and decided to put it to good use to ‘keep the girls safe,’ according to my sources.

The girls wore the crumbling equipment while members of the football team performed Coffeetown cheer routines and hollered obscenities from the sidelines.

After Crunk’s reception and body blow, Davis crumpled to the turf in a heap as Jenny powered her way to the endzone like a fully-stoked steam engine.

The cheerleaders were too stunned to take a knee.

Not since NFL Films cellulose rolled on Jim Brown, Gary Payton and Tony Dorsett has a football player run with so much violence, grace and rubberized foam.

Man, that girl could run.

Turns out, runnin’s what Jenny Crunk does best.

Senior powderpuff cheerleader Nacho Davis did not appreciate Crunk’s style and flawless form

As Crunk reared back to spike the ball into the aerated Coffeetown turf, Davis covered the ground between them in a flash and planted her like a tulip bulb.

Hal ‘Jalapeño’ Davis is Nacho and Dawn’Tonya’s father.

The elder Davis was a noted Coffeetown football standout in the 80’s, and he earned the nickname for his infamously hot head.

Davis’s record for eight spearing ejections in the 1986 season alone still stands.

Time can cool even the hottest of tempers, however.

The only thing that’s hot about ‘The Pepper’ these days is his 500-gallon smoker, which he sourced from a scrap yard and welded to a set of wheels himself.

Davis serves as the pitmaster for every Coffeetown Powderpuff ‘Meat our Goals’ Fundraiser Game Sponsored by Frank’s Fish Farm. He earned his post with the juiciest and sweetest and just spicy-smoky enough meat in all of Coffeetown.

Jalapeño saw the whole thing as he pulled a piping-hot pork butt apart with his bare, calloused hands on the landing at the top of the Coffeetown Memorial Stadium steps.

He wiped the sweat off his sooty forehead with the back of his sooty forearm and prepared himself to step in between his boy and the Bear-Killer

What Davis didn’t see as he toweled the pork fat off his hands and multiple state championship rings was Carl Crunk running up those stadium steps two at a time in steel-toe boots.

Davis didn’t hear him, either, because he “just didn’t feel like he needed his hearing aids that day,” he would tell me later.

(He never would have heard Carl Crunk’s boot thuds, anyway. Jenny instructed the PA crew to blast ‘Crunk Inc.’ by Crime Mob any time she scored or caught a pass or stepped on the field or looked up at the booth and did her special ‘throat-slash’ signal. School administrators insisted upon the edited version of Crime Mob’s 2004 hit single, but Crunk did the special ‘throat slash’ gesture at them, too, and rattled her bear claw necklace at them as a reminder until they stood down.)

In an instant of sunburnt, razor-wire-tattooed fury, Carl Crunk laid Davis out with a HGH-pumped elbow to the skull.

“Don’t even think about gangin’ up on my girl, Hal. Your boy should’ve shut up and shook his pom poms,” Carl Crunk said, before hurling 10 pounds of steaming pork and delicious garlic, buttery injection into Jalapeño’s face and eyes.

Hal hollered so loud he didn’t need hearing aids to hear his own cries.

“Man this is tasty, but it hurts!” he shouted.

Jalapeño’s pork butt sliders and brisket tacos were so good, most of the crowd in attendance was either napping, drooling or both

Not Nacho Davis.

He knew his dad’s horrible yell anywhere, even through the booms and beats of early-2000’s Atlanta rap and a full-field Coffeetown HS powderpuff brawl sponsored by Frank’s Fish Farm.

“Burnt leg on the Harley muffler, dad lets out that yell,” Nacho told me afterward.

“Bit tongue when he’s eatin’ too fast, dad lets out the yell. Stubbed toe on the way to the commode in the middle of the night, dad lets out the yell. As soon as I heard that scalded coyote sound, I knew dad left his hearing aids out again,” Nacho said.

Nacho needed to act fast after Jalapeño’s howl.

He snatched Crunk’s bear claw necklace off and tried to gash her face with it.

The BIKE AiR football helmet turned the claws into confetti.

His slice didn’t land like Nacho intended, but the eruption of bear shrapnel burned Jenny’s eyes like a puff of hot coal dust from the offset smoker.

Nacho flew up the stadium steps as a powderpuff cheerleader quicker than any of the times he ever did it as a linebacker during two-a-days

He fought through dozens of barbecue-drunk Coffeetown fans and found Carl Crunk trashing his dad’s setup in a glassy-eyed rage.

With Crunk’s awareness down, Nacho had a moment to strike. The solid-oak cutting board Jalapeño used as a pork-pullin’ surface was greasy with fat and juice.

But not too greasy to swing at his father’s assailant.

“Hey ‘Backne,’” Nacho said, as he wished he could’ve thought up a better steroid-related insult.

Carl whipped his head on its axis as Nacho whipped his hips on theirs and let the cutting board fly right at Crunk’s high-and-tight faded dome.

Nacho’s greasy grip propelled the hunk of oak like a twisting, twirling stone from a barbecue slingshot and put one more person to bed.

Just as Nacho started toward his groaning father, a 1993 BIKE AiR helmet with a faded and chipped Copperhead logo on the sides connected with the side of his forehead.

The Davis family is one of the most formidable groups of movers and shakers and football talent in Coffeetown history.

Carl and Jenny Crunk knocked three of them out in a matter of 15 minutes during Coffeetown’s final powderpuff game for the foreseeable future.

Jenny Crunk scooped up her father in her arms and made like hell to the parking lot

She dumped him in the back of a recent repo score – a sweeter-than-hell 1993 Dodge Ram with candy-apple red paint and glistening chrome wheels.

Dawn’Tonya Davis woke up from her Crunk encounter just in time to hear the turn of the Ram’s engine and a smoke show of pissed-off rubber in the stadium parking lot as the father-daughter duo ripped out of there.

The touchdown-turned crime scene unraveled around her while junior girls pulled hair that wouldn’t grow back in time for graduation and senior girls rubbed their faces in the dirt like it wmight help.

Carl and Jenny Crunk are still on the run.

If you see them, you are asked to contact the Copper County Sheriff’s Department.

Jalapeño Davis also tells me he will provide a free USDA Prime Brisket to anyone with information in the case.

However, you will have to cook it yourself, as Davis’s face is still burnt and covered in petroleum jelly.

“I look like that Neanderthal they dug up out of the ice for National Geographic,” Davis told me.

More info on the Coffeetown High School Powderpuff ‘Meat our Goals’ Fundraiser Game Sponsored by Frank’s Fish Farm:

Coffeetown High School’s Annual Powderpuff ‘Meat our Goals’ Fundraiser Game Sponsored by Frank’s Fish Farm traditionally gives the Coffeetown Athletics Department an opportunity to spread the wealth through an alternative football setting.

Of course, the Copperheads’ championship football program drives the most revenue year over year.

In this part of the country, you expect that like you expect the sun to rise in the east.

You expect it like you expect indigestion after a plate of Coffeetown Chili Pups, or like you expect to catch a big one at Frank’s Fish Farm so bring the whole family today!

You don’t expect a powderpuff game to turn into criminal activity. It just goes to show what kind of pressure our young student athletes feel every day, especially the ones who also excel in high-stakes repo work.

Even with the impromptu fight that ended the game, Coffeetown Athletics received a decent amount of donation money toward its campaign, I’m told.

If you’d like to donate, you may sign up for a Coffeetown Fundraiser Booster Club Membership, a standard Booster Club Membership, or a Big-Money Booster Club Membership today.